2006-05-04 - 9:37 a.m.

Nice

OK, I'm obviously going to be spending a whole lotta days once again trying to figure out how important it is to me to be "nice."

OK, so some self-declared oversensitive Californian -- albeit one in a position of power -- dredges up allusions to practically every caustic, passive-aggressive, wry, or biting comment I've ever made in this workplace, and it vaporizes most of the foundation of self-esteem that I've been trying to build over many, many months.

OK, and it comes at a moment when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable and exposed and not-so-good-about-myself because I'm in a place I don't much like right now, having to deal with something that I can't change, have to make the best of, and in which I need to involve some people whom I wish I did not need to involve nor inform of my situation.

OK, and I'm trying to remember and take to heart a lot of things from a very non-bullshit self-help book that tries to cultivate an attitude of "There is Nothing Wrong with You," as elementary as that sounds, with quotes that go sort of as follows:

If any voice, internal or external, tries to tell you that something is wrong with you and you need to be different than you are, DO NOT LISTEN TO IT. It is not trying to help you!

OK, and I'm thinking a lot about that hackneyed quote, "Polite women rarely make history," and thinking that it can be applied to a whole lot of people in a whole lot of situations.

OK, and I think I'm planning to walk into someone's office, sit down, and ask her if she has any thoughts on how sympathetic it seems to bring up a staff person's history of attitude during a time when they've asked you to sign off on a legal document because it's required, and then telling said staff person that it was hurtful not to have more information shared with them until they found out on their own some of the things that have been happening. Oh, yeah. Because this is about them and me opening up to them, right, and trusting them to be "supportive"?

OK, and while I'm at it, asking exactly what kind of work ethic and motivation I'm supposed to have after someone has told me that they sometimes wish I weren't here.

OK, and how important is it to be "nice." Oh, and what does "nice" mean, exactly?

OK, the truth is, I care about people. A lot. In ways they may not exactly realize. But I don't have much concern for "pleasing" them.

OK?

[Later]:
Oh, and the truth is, I've really felt like a different person these last six or seven or more months, and rarely like the cranky and caustic person I could sometimes be. And those cranky and caustic moments do occur -- occasionally -- and the truth is, I think they always will. Occasionally. And if occassionally is still unacceptable, and irreconcilable, well, then.... Fuck 'em.