~ kusala
[ ku-sa-la: Pali term meaning wholesome, skillful, good, meritorious. ]
[ Action characterized by this quality (kusala-kamma) is bound to result (eventually) in happiness and a favorable outcome. ]
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kusala.diaryland.com

2005-10-31 - 4:06 p.m.

Decline, Part II (you really think it�s only Part II?)

[N.B.: originally written Thursday, October 13, 2005]

There�s no way for this to sound anything but overdramatic, but there it is: I�ve pretty much completely ruined my life. I suppose one might say that Things can only get better now, but I�m not sure that will be true, in the long run. I�m afraid of the Long Run, and maybe that�s been the major problem all along.

Had coffee with Cody this evening, which is probably the first time I�ve seen him in about three years. I remember last meeting up with him for dinner at the Paradise Caf�, and my best guess would place that at three years ago. We�ve kept up pleasantries through occasional emails, usually related to our birthdays and Christmas/New Year�s, but the bulletins have been by no means extensive. Enough to keep the most basic tabs on one another, verify that we�re each still alive, and so forth.

I don�t want to completely lose touch with him, but if tonight is any indication, I�m not sure I can bear the idea of having him in my life at all either. I didn�t reveal anything particularly personal during this evening�s chat, but all I�m left feeling at the end of it is pitiful. That is, cognisant of how pitiful a figure I am, or have become over the years. It truly has been nothing but a steady decline on a variety of fronts; and those �fronts� are essentially all encompassing.

How do I start? How could I tell him what�s happened since �things� ended between us in August 2000? How do I make sense in my own mind of all that�s happened since August 2000? How do I account for any of it? How do I feel anything but pitiful in the face of it? It�s not just self-pity, either; it�s the way I know I must appear to Others. Even taking into account my usual self-consciousness, how can I appear anything but sad and ridiculous?: A Shame.

Part of me feels [I fear, but don�t quite want to say part of me knows] that I won�t ever have that kind of intimacy again with another human being. That is what hurts so much. Confronting what I threw away for whatever idiotic, self-hating, and selfish reasons I may have had at the time.

Was I stumbling in the Dark any more than others? Does it matter [what others are/were doing? once again I want to find some reason to compare], when the fact remains plain that I was truly stumbling. In a terrible way.

I hate this life that I have created. In some sense, it feels that I haven�t really �created� it, because that implies some kind of determined action, and it would be an exaggeration to imply that I have ever truly acted determinedly. Still, in the end, whether through action or inaction, it�s what I�ve Created.

This type of path is what leads people to the brink of suicide, but I�m certainly not there yet. I�m too scared of death, though you wouldn�t know it. Everything points to the idea that I�ve been too convinced that I need to endure an awful lot of suffering here on earth before I�m able to relax into anything as potentially unfettered as the hereafter. I�ve been ensuring that the suffering continues in every way possible.

Why this self-hate, this preoccupation with feeling undeserving, with setting all the props in place to ensure minimal happiness [even while certainly surrounding myself with a modicum of comfort]?

Does this all qualify as Histrionic?

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Being in the presence of Cody forces me to confront all the choices I�ve made and those I have declined to make. I see the path traversed from Point A to Point Z: a truly hideous, often embarrassing and degrading alphabetic journey.

There needs to be life beyond Cody [and perhaps beyond Wilhelm, for that matter], but romantic relationships are far down my list of essential action items at the moment. Part of me still wonders: If not now, When? [The implication being, I�m not getting any younger; i.e., healthier.] Yet, I know I need to seriously, seriously work on some deeper, personal, solitary things if I am ever to enter into any sort of union with anyone. It�s something I�ve been missing for so long � and sense my longing for every single day � but I�m not yet confident that it�s something I could �do right� at the moment...

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So when will I set up the next coffee date with Cody? I can�t let three-plus years pass again like this (not the least reasons being that time and geography are luxuries I can�t ensure). How will I tell him everything? Do I need to tell him everything? (I know, even as I ask myself, that the answer is certainly Yes...)

I think I�ll be writing to him tomorrow (or maybe even now) to try to explain at least a little of this.

I also think I�m feeling � just a little � better.

[And I�m happy for him because he certainly deserves it.]

En esta historia s�lo yo me muero
y morir� de amor porque te quiro,
porque te quiero, amor, a sangre y fuego.
~ Neruda, Soneto LXVI


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